UN - DO

dear blog,

You know what i wanted to do..one day

when im bored with the corporate world,

when im done becoming uncle scrooge and gathered i think enough money for me to live,

when im done globe trotting and dealing with human who speaks the same mother tongue as me,

when im bored of running and cycling and burning calories,

when im strong enough to be disconnected with people who care about me?

i want to join united nation, being placed in random country and make a difference to this world..

im slowly learning about their website, the division, and the programme they have, i would like to be functionable to them..

when i was in new york about 4 years ago, i went to the united nation building, there were no persidangan at the time, so i went to the big huge ass meeting room and was impressed.. i want to be there again and make life-changing decision.. i know its a gurantee of one step in hell, or heaven, but its a gamble, when u put your heart into it..

but this is me, i only dream when im awake.. and im not sleeping as im writing this.

21km and the other blog

so i run 21km in penang bridge marathon..

21km in 3hours 0minute 49 seconds..

some suprise come up after my penang trip..

my housemate move out from the apartment..

for some reason which is too private to be shared..

but all i can say i hope she is ok and recovered before her big day..

angry ex-fiance can do crazy things in this so-called mordern world apparantly..

anyways, im having separate blogs for my running purpose..

will publish it when the right time comes.. at the mean time.. enjoy the pics..

yes..cant wait for P3G30 too... (project 3 going 30)

its my 8 month long project..yeay!

we manage to collect more money than expected (ppl to donate each km we run) and the money will go to cambodian kids..

tribute to him

i will always remember you

i respected you highly, and at times i can feel your presence.

i adore you that i wish to have a person like you as the father of my child.

your talks about your younger days in your boarding school,

your smile about your university days as smelly geologist student,

but you left in 2007 , and left me crying in miri for not founding any flight ticket to KL in time for your funeral.. i didnt say goodbye, and you didnt want to let me see you on my last chance.

i will always remember you in november, for my november jokes we ever talked about back in 2004, and i wanted to thank you for finding the trust in me and my running..

yes i run for you sometime in races.. wonder if you know it.. and its november again..

im just crying now so when i see you again, its gonna be a turn to smile. al fatihah to you. US.

street light

********been writing few blog post but were in draft, not sure why.. im posting it today at the respected date it was written now***********

mom says when i was young i got fascinated by street light..

i would tilt my head upwards during any roadtrips and glaze at the street light passing by..

as an adult i still make observation,

like in miri the street light are in the yellow light,

in KL its with white light bulb..

i hate yellow light, it penetrates further with lower intensity often making me seeing things and imagine ghosts. but let that be another story for the talent im not proud off.

anyways.......

few times i notice, as im driving, a light bulb would go off when i passes thru..

at diffrent places randomly.. and a specific street particularly..

maybe its just my thinking.. but if you found any scientific explanation for this. let me know.

coz the version of explanation that i got scares me.
crap is there even a reader to this opinionated blog?

hati terguris

life is good as long as u dont know what youre missing

i was told by a dear friend of another person questioning my holiday trips.

questioning of my selfishness trips and how it doesnt benefits..

how the money would be better to be put in a good use..

what sadden me is that my decision to go silent of my humanitarian charity works actually bites me..

it may soothes my inner self but its emotionally disturbing,.,
well all i have to be is just strong enough to not care isnt it?
should she sit down w me and ask me, i could listed the work ive done, locally and internationally..
i'd love to see her eye glow of embarrassment..

my good deed is to strengthened my relationship with GOD

my help to others is about my relationship to another HUMAN

my decision to keep silent is my relationship to MYSELF

for a person who did LITTLE good deed and felt to have the right to INSULT others..

you are inspiring..

you had just inspired me of what not to be.

yes... i dont want to be you.

defy age again please?

at times i think people didnt act as their age,

or i assume they are older then they supposed to be,

or im defaulting character to age wrongly?

but it stresses me out..

not sure if i was use or abused

janji dapat the result out yer tak?

anyways, i was in a meeting..

the type where you grow wiser by every minute being in it,

because of the idiots youre dealing with, and yet you have to evidence respect.
it was a tough juggle, but hey, im learning.. smile, smile, peace and out.

underpaid, overweight and not-punctual is a crazy crowd.

if you work the arithmetic right you will understand me.

oil n gas is a scary industry.

i am to convince you im worth $$$$$

at times compliments at work worries me, coz i know i didnt do enough to deserve it.

or are they having a low expectation at all times that a small wave triggers tsunami of compliments? im not that dumb. im not that good either. where is equilibrium in this?

after working for some more than 5 years in this industry,

i realized of a skill,

i picked up the skill,

& i live with this skill,

its evil anyhow.. but it keeps me afloat.

its a skill i notice in most foreigners here, its a skill that is so soft you cant sense the smooth criminal at work, its so alive that it can wake a dead career back to life.

its the skill of convincing people that you are knowledgeable,
convincing others the work done was the sufficient work done,

convincing others that the decision made was with fullest consideration,

convincing others that im worth the pay...

question is how long, would this trick work? i need to get a grip..

i need to go for a run... sweet 8km maybe today?

curiosity attraction

tell me im not the only one with this feeling...

you know how curiosity makes a person attractive?
the mystery leads to self-exposure,

but a step closer with reality would burst the bubble.
after you know someone, the nervousness, and the larger-than-life-person seems.....normal.

hence i kudos to those who are trying to add me on facebook.

coz at the moment of writing this i have 117 pending friend request,

to click ignore means for them to re-add again,

so its there hanging... lets keep it that way.

coz curiosity, after all... is more attractive.

sugar coated

its hard to say this but i think he is a cotton candy in human form...
so sweet i'd die of happiness..

yup its you. they guy who loves to doubts me.

reason being we've been going on for years now?
coz we both fall out of love at not at the same time.
so there was always someone at the throne to pull up the another.
thanks for pulling me up this time.. i was tempted for a free fall few weeks ago..

shrieks cant believe i have a post like this dovey.

master-mind

i have the highest interest to do masters..

dah buat resercah which univ to go,

dah buat preparation for scholarship interview to chase,

dah nak prepare exam for TOEFL, and other merepek craps

but ive changed my mind.

it was easy decision, i hope i made the right one..

apparantly the current company tak kasi amik sabbatical leave,

i was trying to prove im someone worth to keep tapi susah la its company policy kan..

lagi pon most geologist in malaysia ada degree jer boleh jer idop, yang aku ni nak menyusah watper kan? kawan kawan aku buat master phd macam struggle je..

the thought of study without monthly income scares me too..

lagipon kene resign with no job gurantee upon return,,,, apekah??!!

so i wont dare to let go something so secured for uncertainty..

yes im back to my job doing it correctly, maybe my dream of having masters can be obtained bile dah kawin takyah kerja? or my anak to perform that for me? well.. god will always give you what u want, but only he knows when is the right time for u..

it is with this, i rest my case.

dabudhabi and running mileage...

i was soo worried about my upcoming 21km event...

so what i did during my AbuDhabi holiday? i run! while the rest was still sleeping i sneak out and run by the sea.. i got burnt, but it was fine really.

abu dhabi is a modern country and the runing track is awesome... hardly 10% of locals in my sightings, the rest are..well..foreigners.

here's a picture evidence of the place i run by the beach.. nice kan?

owh, i also involved in a road accident at the Dubai stretch of road.. we hit 2 cars, after swerving into 2 other lanes, next thing i know shattered of broken glass on me. im inches away from hitting on the glass window, thanks to my seat belt! and for the record, tinted glass is GOOD! we could have experience thousand of broken glass, instead it just shattered and glued together. ok-la....

i reached KLIA on monday noon, only to find myself running at klcc park that very evening and clocked 11km. anyways, here's my training mileage for this week:

monday: 11km
tues: no mood day, 7km
wed: 5km <--fun run!!
thursday:
friday: 10km
saturday:
sunday: 12km

wednesday was fun, i actually run across kl, bukit bintang and pavillion area, laughing at ppl stuck in the traffic and im not so sure why i was insane. but it happen and boy it was fun!

the thought of 21km is scary for me...6 days to go.... serious sheet.. i plan to run with my iphone this time.. so im expecting to have some friends to call me during the run to check on me.. yes.. plus the race starts at 3.30am..i hope to do it in 3 hours plus.. so ngam 7am gitu la sampai finishing line...

wish me luck, owh i need luck!

broken grow, lost & replaced

i once found a good friend,

then i lost a friend

i once had a good friend,

then i lost a friend

im just glad i never lost myself. its suicidal you know. i had once.

a full cycle episode of "patah tumbuh hilang berganti" ??

ask me! ask me!

buy me a drink first, that last few hours worth for the stories to be told..

cute face chubby waist on the race

my running has been tapered this few weeks, yeah thanks to the haze, weekend outing good food, and my sudden love to my knee.. poor u baby...i love u my knee i wont hurt u.. haha

yesterday lunch i did something crazy.. it was by far the most amazing lunch break i had ever!

live from klcc park, i actually run 3 lapse! how cool is that!!! crazy girl running under the sun..yup thats me!

yes call me cardio-holic, but my metabolic is so low i need to burn everything that i eat!

anyways, i counted 3 now, 3 random guys contacting me via FB (they didnt add me as friend though) to congratulate, and dropping a note how im inspiring to them, they saw me few times but didnt say hi to me.

more like a stalker putting a name to a face now..
still, its worth to make me smile knowing that ppl do notice me at finishing line.

awesome.. awesome...

its rare to see chubby girl running a marathon i bet?

on 10/10/10 i did a 10km run, it was nice.. easy smooth run, my sister was supposed to get married on that date but let that be another story.its the day KL street was terorrized by thousand of lemon. wahahaha..check out above pic!
im somewhere a yellow dot in the pic... wayy at the back..

anyways, i saw a cool couple held their wedding pic at the finishing line of mizuno run.. it was awesome.. thats us taking a pic with the couple..

secretly i wish to have similar shot. owh. u cant have it all farah.

p/s: a runner died at 3rd km, no news coverage, RIP sir..

that gender that come from mars

accompany him to his best-friend wedding, and we had a small chat after, with convoluted minded i tried to get my message across, it saddened me.

its a long story but since im use to twitter now i have the talent/capability to short-cut-delivered-message ....here goes:

"a guy truly doesnt understand you as when u asked for a break, he understood that u need a holiday instead"

and a friend says its easier trying to accept love than loving someone who doesnt love u back?
so, so, so wrong.

yours truly.

two is better than one is better than two

sometime having boyfriend sucks...
there has to be good and bad sides of thing i think!

or maybe im just not used to making decision that honour 2 person needs..
him busy and im done with work.. but yet i have to adhere to his condition and wait..with no timeline..

ok bare with this...

you need to experience full darkness to appreciate the light

Tuesday night, i choose to buka puasa with my friends at KLCC and upon returning to my office car park, i failed to start my engine.

the bad:

• it was sweaty hot at the basement carpark
• no cars stops for me, despite me waiving harmlessly, im no hijacker-lah!
• night time, any response that come would be extremely late!
• phone battery went dead (and tons of ppl calling/texting me pulak tu)

The good:

• Random elderly guy who helped me, gave me his namecard..he owns a workshop (!!)
• a friend come to fetch me home, and how i valued our friendship more and more.

The car issue was sorted out the next day. Anyways, its a dangerous decision to take taxi at night time, and im glad to know i have friend that i can ring at anytime of the day for quick response.

Wise men say, only fools rush in

thats me sitting on a pyramid block. i really want to travel again.but there is one country i want to be at right now. where he is.

Anyways...im just wondering.. is it possible to well..fall in love with someone youve been communicating with? strictly by words, pictures, and some limited rusty memories..

im not responding to his skype request..nothing hurts more than seeing something you know you'll never get.

i went to kuching to attend my bf's sister wedding first weekend of august (i drag mom along). he was clearly introducing me to his extended family, uncle, cousin etc.. mom says jugding by that its pretty obvious my bf family is definitive about me....

then along came him. how twisted i am. or a fool perhaps?

i've fallen deeply in love few times before..always, always,always with a foreign man. oversea's phone calls etc,, i enjoyed the flirt, and the attention. then comes the "discussion" that puts things to end and i pull out the plug.. religion has always been the challenge, then again come this guy..where we are geographically challenged..

dear god. if these tests are hurdles that i have to passed to reach my destination, then by all means.

globe trotter with purple security blanket :)

me and my uni-mates.. post 3 years after graduation (3 ppl pull out, heck it was still fun) angkor wat, siem reap, cambodia.
Me at the great wall china, Jinshalling section, less tourist.. yeah!
me at tianamen square , beijing, china.. its was freaking hot summer!
egypt, cairo, sphinx.. (my travelling partner pull out due to visa prob) but i went ahead alone. glad i did what i did.

how blessed I am..you need money, health and time, all these 3 at the same time to allow vacation to happen..

i miss travelling... india next perhaps?

flowery

today i manage to keep in touch with my childhood friend..

bare u... i was raised in a very diversed badckground and location.

my 11th bithday party was attended by kids from our rojak neighbourhood (iranian, pakistani, jordan, etc etc that i cant rmbr)

anyways,, there was this one naughty boy that i will never forget. but thru FB we reconnect. he use to be there and play games with me.. and take care of me..and challenge me to climb weird places to see great view. he also use to be angry at other guys that come closer to me..for anything,. he is like a brother to me.

his fb photo looks so adult now..and what i like the most is that the way he writes to me is as if im still a kid! im a grown women now,,,but i really dont mind.

he is a national rugby player now.. that explains. anyhow he insisted for me to visit his country.. oowwhhh ouch! kau gile!

if you watched slumdog millionaire.. u know..childhood flame...yeah.. sumthing like that. of course..its unrealistic too.

you need to experience darkness to appreciate the light

location: delicious, jalan tun razak
timeline: dinner

i was with a respectable friend whom i adore few years back..reason being? she is smart, funny and beautiful.. i wanna be just like her, doing her awesome job just like grey's anatomy..

anyways, she confess over the dinner,

she: i wanna tell u sumthing, i hope you are ready to hear it
me: huh? ape? *im busy eating

she: i dont believe in god anymore farah

me: gulp? ? blinking and stop chewing...

she: ok ok..sorry i know its too heavy topic to talk about... lets talk about sumthing else.

im sorry im sorry...i wish i can be helpful.. but ppl like these? i have no idea how to handle.. at least the tudung is still there tho... and er.. dia tak dapat recall the last time smayang?

if dia lost faith with god, least you can do is be a friend to them..maybe then they want to at least start listening. if u preach straight away. u might repell them..

anyhow.. we didnt reach the topic again, but silently i can just pray for the best outcome. amin.

The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start.

the events that i had joined in 2010.. and boy im glad i did it!

january: new balance run padang merbok = 10km
february: energizer night race, putrajaya = 10km

february: larian hari wilayah, dataran merdeka = 10km

march: none...wow!! what happen?

april: bidor half marathon, perak = 10km

may: new balance pacesetter, merbok = 15km

June: SCKLM = 10km (supposedly 21km)

July: Siemens run = 10km

Aug: Puasa..so no race, but just jog in the evening..

could have joined more race but i was busy traveling to beijing..but more races to look forward to

sept: Newton run, bukit kinrara = 12km

Oct: Mizuno wave run = 10km (maybe im going to india la pulak!)

Nov: Penang Brigde half marathon =21km

Dec: Angkor Wat half marathon = 10km (charity too!!)

not bad eyy?? to date i had run 75km to date (in races), and registered for 11 race for this year.

if u think i had lose weight...er...not really... haha!

Prayer does not change God, but it changes them who prays

yesterday i was talking to my friend.. randomly..

she was telling me stories about death ritual in her religion, prayers, and cultural/religion .

i love my friend dearly,,

she would be the person questioning my health/wellbeing, care enough to teman me having supper, clearing my phone bills (hehe!),

in return i would wait on weekend and we went makan after her church session ends, i think our doing-favor score is somewhat equal..and im happy.

then she asked me a question that broke my heart..

farah, if you're gone, will my prayer reaches you? how can i make it happen? i dont read quran..

that was when i realized that i have a kawan dunia-akhirat... except of course... we are in different religion.. if we were "separated" by religion now on earth, will we be spiritually separated in the after world too?

death ends a life, not relationship

Arwah nenek, 1926-2010.I missed her dearly.

Upon receiving the news of her death, i cant help but to cry,

so i went to gombak and saw her body, i choose not to go closer, coz i was scared. everyone kissed her cheeck, but i didnt.. i just sit from afar. the they bind the kain kafan, and off to kubur.

few days before she left, i actually had a lot of flashback memories, back when i was kid, when she suap me nasik with ayam masak merah..

back when she wipe off food smear at my mouth..

back when she smile with her sepet eyes at me..

lil did i know those flashback are reminder of a person im about to lost.

Nenek, i hope you rest in peace. i always try to be a rebel, but trust me..i love you.

my keyboard is wet with my tears now nenek..

to those reading this...please donate al-fatihah....

my tax is worth a good running track with pandan smell

i run a lot lately.. more than i did in miri.

upon running at klcc park i realized how i enjoyed running..

back in imri i use to run in a terrified route 500m track, uneven track with no lighting (i stop run when start senja)

now..its diffrent... and water station at every 300meters.. im blessed..skarang baru rasa ok sikit bayar cukai... :)

btw here how my life in kl routine looks like:

monday: run at klcc park

tues: badminton/running (nice weather means run!)

wed: netball!

thursday: run/badminton

friday: cheat day

another finding...when i sweat..it smell like pandan..i kid u not!

mom says its a sign that im a malay...boleh tak?

sa-orang

i dont really want to tell ppl of my state of heart. i really dont.

-my dad is admitted in hospital about a week now. happy to hear the ct scan evidence no cancer, hence its just a lung infection.

-new job is fun, picking up skills and other new things how different company manages oil differenly

-running at klcc park.... its fun, nice terrain..nice body..:P

-BRB

no interest of being nice

I'd go all the way out, to help ppl.
at times.. or perhaps most of the times..
but i didnt seem to get it back,

as ppl weighted and valued and prioritize things differently,
so as a known fact, thats just apparantly, badly, and sadly.

what suprises me more, is that i cared to care..
alas..lets just breath these air while we are still alive shall we?
**********************************************************************
im on company car this week, i was given gen2, and the more i drive it, the more i hate it..
beratnyer hati.......... i must overcome this feeling.
i miss him, he will continuesly be sweet as long as i didnt mention how seet he is.
maybe that is what guys is all about! ;)

ok ok ok..get back to work..tata farah

menghitung hari

I had a good suprise workout this morning..
we woke up, no cuddling, and decided wanted to go for a workout..so we run 5km by the houses and beach, n then hit the gym, catching up w brazilian lady doing aerobic, , , ..and then i ate nasi lemak.

now im in office...doing what i should do..but i blog instead.

owh well, the farewell party they throw for me last friday was awesome.. and it was very nice to hear that the door is always open for me in the future..would i wanna come back? we;ll see how it goes-lah!

precursor for incidents is a good cry

Two mondays to go before i will be in the new place.. wonder what feeling should i put up actually.

i weep to sleep yesterday... until my my friend have to put me to sleep, then i found myself awake at 2am crying again. i am depressed over something but i cnt fathom.

it was tiring, a combo of crying and sleeping all the way till morning.

as i arrived office,with a swollen eyes, my documents consist of few Giga bytes are missing.. i accidently delete it, and its not captured in my recycle bin..

so im the type who cried before incidents happen i guess.

smile, smile, smile, smile please...

so glide away on soapy hills

Judging by the workload coming in , i doubt ppl know that my departure date is coming closer. hmm... i'll just do it, considering i wanna have a clean record.

anyways, farewell invitation for me is out, and tons of ppl coming to me to ask about the move. im so so so distracted from my work..
i need to get back to work..i felt like im gliding away from things, its insane!

i run last weekend, 10km felt so short to me now.. haha!

owh, i've registered for another 10 km run:http://www.energizernightrace.com.my/event-details.php

another 10km to my mileage.. seriously..i think i should upgrade my distance catagory now..

reality check.. wiping tears...

My eyes are swobb..swollen coz i woke up crying this morning..

I was in KL yesterday for 12hours. fly out in the morning, and back in the night.
The meeting was tiring for me, coz im the youngest and yet being the ordering end.
people were trying to note tht my lack of experience in the industry and yet i draw the cut in making decision. too bad for their alter ego, im just doing business there!

anyways, during transit in KLIA, i had dinner with along (he happen to be in malaysia) and mak, it was fun, and expensive. it was nice. we eat in EDEN, and there are no more steak in eden. Our memories eating at EDEN was in Penang, 20yrs ago!

i arrive miri by midnight, and sleep with sleeping pills. but when i woke up, i have to console her for being sad that im leaving. im sorry. i didnt meant it.. life goes on isnt it? i think of her finding another housemate is not going to be easy..i hope it wil be!
as i wipe out the tears from her eye..trying my best to console, i realised i must have made an impact to some ppl crossed my path.

shell has been chasing me to confirm my ONE-WAY flight ticket, and cancellation of sarawak work permit, and the packping and shipping my stuff.. its just seem so real now.

I have less then a month to go. im going to miss you Miri.

soul filling back hurting

A colleague of mine complains about his back hurt, and having a slip disc injury doctor visits.

Without giving any tolerance, defence, nor benefit of self doubt, i immediately minor-scold him, about posture, proper lifting technique etc...

him: farah, its not about those..

me: then what, pls dont tell me u had rough...

him: i was too joyous when i lifted my daughter :)

me: .....

that kind of injury, for a good reason, is always acceptable. isnt it?

mount KK?? checked!

tough climb but worth the view kan? thats while descending... i was holding the camera..
you get instant cold flu sniff sniff moment up there...well...ur above the cloud yow..
me again...on the way down... but i flip myself backward to get good hold on the rope.

great climb with my tkcian friends..

albeit i think i was among the last person who reach the peak, plus some rude remarks i got (ppl still think i cant reach the top.. sorry i pop your bubble!)

anyways, would wanna do it again and again!!! maybe next time different route?

glad i went on.. good way to close my 2009... my active 2009 :)

p/s: i dont have pic at the peak... takpe la.. y'all trust i was up there rite?

traceable dislikes

i dislike the new fb setting.

im now traceable by strangers, with flexibility for them to even add me.

i have 58 pending friend request.

i dont have the heart to hit the ignore button.

how lar?

owh nine to owh ten

hows the 2009 went?

i did more stuff than i thought i would. and attended weddings a bit too much.

sports?

i run and run and run, 10km (s), and the 21km , ive tried many catagory as i could, shed 10kg too along the way!

i did duathlon, and triathlon, altho my main motivation is just to cross the finishing line! and with those in mind, ive set such a high par that im unsure how my 2010 would look like.

i ended the year nicely with a hike up mount kinabalu, and it was a good company too. Physically, it has been great. . of course, im still fat. but he didnt mind... :)

work?

its very stagnant, that i found myself looking for adventure. hence, i outsource my option.

social?

i choose not to comment much, as im unsure how it is, if its a ride, i'd say i've survived well, if its a popularity contest? i'd say i didnt see the mirror enough to judge myself.

I appreciate few close friends that i have, and the investment i did to keep the friendship going. trust they'll do the same to me, tht's all i can hope for.

travel?

so..i did chiang mai, and singapore (sundown marathon act), did australia brisbane, and i went to egypt.. i slash my life saving for the trips sebab mengada ngada nak naik business seat, but i think it was worth it, well worth it.

at the midnight of new year, i actually sleep early and not doing anything special to celebrate it. i must have aged.

back in 1999, i was in africa, celebrating new year/millennium with the rest of malaysian embassy folks, and watching fireworks in the sky, i still rmbr i was wondering how does 10yrs from then would look like.. owh that night was 10yrs ago..

hi 2010... how are you doing?