half marathon post mortem

i did my first half marathon attemp, but i cant run any faster than 7km/hour coz of my body weight n knee issue,,doctor says im too heavy to run... but didnt predict to end up 3:29hrs.
(org kenya lari sejam lebih je ok! mcm cheetah i tell you!)
unless if i am lighter then i could do faster without hurting my knee...kot!

NOT IMPRESSIVE~

i had loss the total of 7kg since i started this blog. but after i run 21km last sunday, i gained 2 kg? what the eff ? i questioned a lot of people inclusing my monotonous boyfriend.. with lots of theories..namely as
i) my muscle weighs more than the fat
ii) im pigging out a lot since i felt like i have the right to eat

anyhow.. i am eating like what i usually do..in fact.. i cant really eat much now that im wearing braces.. and i got thirsty a lot.. so i drink a lot of water.. without me noticing it.. im de-tox via having this braces on..haha

but picking up running is a good thing. i wont eat much for lunch coz i wont wanna be heavy during my evening runs.. the decipline comes naturally.. plus go ahead and jogging with a full stomach as experiment. i bet you will curse yourself for eating!

but how did i make myself run? its by signing up in the running events,,, n then raising the commitment to it. so far it works for me. thats why i am registered for this today.
today is the last day for early bird price.. hihi. but only 10km la.. takmau attemp suicide mcm half marathon last weekend.its gonna be in oct, a good reason to burn the raya food calories.

last sunday...i am the slowest runner.. u know how the police motorbike covers the end tail of the marathoners? well..last sunday, those bike are right behind me.. im soo towards the end tail of the running group.

i got a pat on my shoulder by a cute malay guy and he initiate a hand salute to me, then he run ahead.. i was looking for him after i cross the finishing line. i wish to see him again, so brotherly. so cute.. wanna ask him if he wants a chubby marathoners as a girlfriend :D

on a second note, sometime.. when a stranger add you in facebook, you might never know whom u will end up to. funnily, i just know i have a fan. i have a fan...wow! hello...hello.. i hope the stalker tak bace blog nih.

proud of myself

Let me simplify this entry with 3 sentences on what happen on 28th june 2009:

21km
3:29hrs

1 medal

im so proud of myself.. never thought i can cover that distance!!
and now my body is ache with lactic acid all over, but with a good reason. and i like it.
i love this pic of mine, i wish i can use this as my fb profile photo, but i can see my nipple over there.. arghs! thanks to claire for being my running buddy and willing to fly to kl all the way from kk for this~~

tribute to MJ

thats me Oct 2008..
out of all the places in LA..
thats the place i opt for a pic.. didnt really pose for other people. but now he's dead.. growing up listening to his songs.. i like his song "you are not alone" .. probably i was kinda lonely when i was a kid.. my siblings were all in malaysia and i was too young to go for a boarding school..end up following wherever dad have to go. anyhow.. its creepy to hear voice of a dead singer.. may god bless his soul!

on my second date with J last saturday, we went to the music store at pavillion looking for MJ cd. of course, the harga sudah naik.. haha..

i need to rest!

its my lunch break, and i skipped.

reasons for me to be busy this week

• My boss is on 1 week leave, im doing his role, and emails are diverted to me. i have to write high-level management email with politically correct terms and people use my email and sentences to make decisions etc. its tiring, brain wise..let me tell u that i like it.
• This weekend is my half marathon event, i've been busy making sure my work finish for the day so i can leave office for running practise every evening.
• I have intern to take care of, she is very thankful and admirably towards me. funnily, i never think im that great, but hey.. im happy wnough when people think im competent.
• my boyfriend is in town, up until yesterday, so i have a social commitment to dinner or out-for-a-drink session with him. im tired, but apa lagi nak dikato ye tak?

Under these all circumstances, im am tired and cant wait for this week to be over, fly to KL tomorrow and deal withthe marathon this sunday. i'll be tired by monday. looking foward for next week with a quieter time. and no running practise.

p/s: i was supposed to be on leave helping a friend moving to NY or roadtrip whatever, owh well.. god always have a bigger plan than we do. i hope she have a safe flight, and well secured in NY.. be safe babe!

p/s/s: everynight aku tak cukup masa.. nak rehat. penat lah. too much thinking kot. i cant stop thinking of.....

adiouss~

kakiku gagah berlari

i just got back from 7km running this morning, yesterday i did 5km.
i love running after work coz it drain my office anger away..

last nite i had awesome time attending a friend;s birthday party and bbq.. i got back at home around 5am and at 6am off to hit the track to running.. i felt great and tired now.

anyways,,,, i have 6 days to go before THIS!
i was a bit fatigue at my 7th km just now, only to realise coz i havent drink a drop of water..haha.i know its bad when i felt like i wanna vomit during running.thats a sign of hydration. i hope i can complete the run next week..21km!!!!!
my 7km took me almost one hour.. i hope i can complete next week within 3 hours or i wont get the medal. phew.

i could run faster than 7km/hr but that would hurt my knees. im a bit too heavy for running so i opt for slow pace. doctors says i shud STOP running. whatthehell??? but sometimes.. u dont really have to listen to doctors.(now why do i hate doctors again??)

i have been serious running for 2 months now and losing 5kg along the way.. looking foward for more. plus im heading to a vacation in months to go, i wanna look good in my holiday pictures!

he's back but nothing new

my boyfriend is back intown for a week.
he is here for a business trip. but with a mild feeling.
i am not exited at all.
beat that for a lifetime partner? oww....

anyways, i hate malaysia airlines..
first,,,they downgraded me on my flight last year..
secondly...to much stooopid restriction to get the miles ticket.

i was trying to redeem a ticket for a friend but the flights are limited to partner airlines, no code sharing etc.. it was upsetting. coz i really do wanna get a ticket for her. in the end it look hopeless.

i was about to offer to buy ticcket for her since i had delayed her process of getting the ticket. but i didnt have the courage to say so.. i think she is angry at me. it sucks. kill me.

not smiling

lain kali kalau nak tolong orang kena fikir sikit la.. sebab orang yang datang mintak tolong tu tak sedar atau menghargai kalau kita tolong lelebih pon. tolong sesikit cukup arr..
tau tak aku tolong kau..kau..... sebab aku pon tak tau knape..punya la banyak kerja kat office today... tak cukup nafas. . ish, aku busy pon aku tolong kau tau. geram la kalau ko marah kat aku. coz tht means tak menghargai.. tapi aku pon tak marah balik. kenapa ha? coz thats the definition of stupidity!

there was this one person whom during the meeting like to stare at my writings,. and during lunch time she walk to me and talk..and randomly ask some stuff.. her accent sounds like british, or australia.. i dont know.. but it was nice friendly chat.. i guess i was tired of seeing the same ol faces within my office.. i think so. nice stranger, tho i didnt ask her name.. but she knows my name.. haha. apart frm tht.. i was not talking to anyone else today..just silently doing my work, reading, and organizing.. i didnt wear any earring to work today..another day to sense its a bad day. im not smiling today. wow. thats rare. owh.. my teeth hurts too.. coz i just tightened up the metal.. not easy to smile when any movement hurts.

dahla offday aku cancel, bos aku plak gi amik tht slot to be in singapore next week.. leaving me behind to take over his role.. so if today was a shit, next week gonna be worse. juggling my boss role. how about that? am i competent enough? i had been cursing a bit too much today..im glad KMC kidnapped me from my desk for a quick ice cream treat..she is nice and sense i was stressed. haha. everyone in the office thinks she is a mean lady, but she is nice to me. *god bless our friendship*

today is payday.....but what do i care.. i dont feel anything pon. no im not ungrateful. shut up.
i need to pay mum;s credit card. im a nice daughter. i give my mom a credit card, and she can happily swipe it like a butter to the bread..

i wanna get away. i wanna have a hug by honest stranger. i wanna talk random and not thinking of what the consequences are. i need to get away from here. maybe travel alone in some random countries.. yeah, soon baby.

mr random ask me to have a drink w him in half hour.. its so hard trying to get away from him, he had been asking me out for month now.. and he is fully aware that im already with a boyfriend. what do he care right?? friends with benefit. in many ways. and he likes it..so do i. and the best part? "he" didnt know. priceless...

anyways... today was a shitty day.. and im done. done.. done...

im gonna wake up early tomorrow to run. maybe 5 or 6 or 7km.. it depends on my mood.
running release my stress. that im not sure the source of..

i feel like cursing out loud, scream and ccry. shit i gotta meet my "fwb" and give him a hug. something tht i'll never do with my real boyfriend. haha. now smile. fake that smile. good.

stop chasing coz you cant cross the fence anyways

A friend of mine confessing of a gay.

am i sad? yes. why? i dont know.

she is smart, like brilliant, and beautiful..
i just think its a waste to declare youre gay/lesbian whatever.

you could have a female crush, or gf clique etc.. but just dont cross the fence.
trust me. coz i know.

i wont despise my friend's interest for being with women, its like seeing someone eating ice cream on a grill lamb.. i dont "yuck" them for their taste.. coz everyone have their right in their life and preference.

im just sad coz she narrow down the options. just be silent with what your preference is. and learn along the way. im talking crap.

btw, i had emergency visit to dentist today, coz i broke my braces while eating... kfc. haha.
the doc must be punishing me.. coz he now shift me to power chain instead of the rubber band puller.. ouch.. i cant talk. i wont talk. and i'll be in a bad mood for the next few days.

radiation, stay away from me. dont make me mad. or i;ll ask u to ease off.. love to hate you.

why is there so much secret

Hi its been a while..sorry diary.

i know he have a problem..
he doesnt know that i know.

i was in doubt to reach him,
as i dont want to potray he is weak.

i dont want to doubt his ability,
so i let him be in trouble.

i am a bad girlfriend.

communication is the key in relationship..hell yeah im aware about it. i've been reading too much book, magazines and talk show about how to make relationship works! and i did try to call him last night.. but i could not make it thru..see? i've tried! now stop tht self concious will you!you! YOU!

btw, im gonna have a second date with sumone next weekend.. i'd be curious to see where its heading to..

they call me "her"
they call me "sexy"
i said thats not my name...

yeah!

NO..means NO.... :(

im more psyched about my trip..last nite i had a skype call, but i was too sleepy to handle and i think i must have slept halfway through *blush*..im a bit to tired after my running yesterday.

fact:
malaysian who had made it to israel so far are those non-muslim, organised groups, certified by an organizational or travel agent... and im way opposite of those facts.

i ring my sister:
she works in immigration department, and totally against me persuieng to israel. it was a big NO! i will not get a diplomatic assistance if im in trouble in israel. she will ring me later after work to tell me in details of why NO is the reason, i dont really looking foward for that.

i ring mom:
she discourage to not go, coz im still young and i dont need to risk if the gov founds out.. basically its a NO.

i talk to a friend:
she swears to me to even have the idea of it. im guessing its another NO?

as for now... it does seems like uphill climb, but i do.. really really wanna go for it..sigh! IM EVEN WILLING TO GO SINGAPORE FOR THE VISA INTERVEIW! sedihnye.
i really do have the deisre to go israel, plus that i have a travel partner tht i dont want to upset..
i guess we need to re-discuss again..

hers: fly into egypt -cruise to jordan - israel (fly out home)
mine: fly into egypt - cruise to jordan (fly out home)

will she still want to travel with me if im only capable to do cairo-jordan?
i felt like crying.. my chest are heavy with emotions. .




hug me please


p/s: i had read few scary stories over the net, but do be reminded of this link : http://crimsondevotchka.wordpress.com/2007/07/01/youre-not-welcome-to-israel/
a singaporean wife and malaysian husband failing to enter israel at the immigration point.. its their honeymoon~~ more scary-er stories but i forgot the links..

mission im-possible

I manage to call miss valerie ..the person in charge of Israel visa in Singapore. She is friendly, I told her im Malaysian, she was aware about my issues then..

For whatever it is… I still need an invitation letter! I heard rumors about people getting into Israel via Jordan,, and the immigration guy just let the Malaysian pass through without stamping the passport. --- could that be my case?
I know that Malaysia does not recognize the State of Israel, and therefor has no diplomatic ties, but given that Jerusalem has the 3rd holiest Islamic sight, the Dome of the Rock, so then in theory, and yet no Malaysian citizen is allowed to visit this sight?

Anyhow, I manage to found few people who mad managed to visit israel.. and their tricks and do-es..including to not declare you visited Israel..wow!

I was told I need a invitation letter…. so im trying to find a Israel tour agent to fix my flight or bus whatever to enter Israel, with that then I have invitation letter….and I need to fix a interview session in singapore on working days.. that means to take another offdays (!!@@!@#@!#)…
phew lets not get de-motivated just yet.
The visa need to be fix 45days prior to the visit.. ouch! Im running out of time!
I need to define my journey plan, cairo-jordan-israel-cairo.. I like it that way I think.. Or worst case scenario Egypt-Jordan with no Israel… hmm…

Hope is there…then…there is hope.

travel checklist

updates updates..~~~

i tried to ring the israel consulate in singapore during lunch break just now..only to found out the office close at 12.30 everyday! sigh..i miss it by few minutes!! better luck tomorrow..

on separate note.. i've talked to my boss yesterday, and cancelling my june annual leave and shift it to oct/nov.. and he said----YES!~~~

So checklist:
Annual leave Oct 24th - Nov7th (checked) :D :D
Flight ticket (pending)
Israel Visa (have no idea)
Financial planning (otw-how much $$ is enough?like seriously?)
Journey management (have no idea)

ideally i will get the cairo airticket return..so wherever i am going, i still need to get back to egypt to return home.. jordan is possible.. israel is not sure.. owh hey.. otherwise i need to just wave goodbye at the border..! i'll be in communication with HYJ maybe when i have more information to tell.. too much maybe's wont be fun.

claire isnt sure of the timing coz of her project.. sdey lar.. but likely november, tht means probably she culd join on the 2nd week of travelling? hihi..we'll see to that then.
final week of oct i'll be outta this plc again.. sigh.. gonna have to sort my flight ticket soon!

speaking of which, im registered for borneo marathon on 11th oct..not sure to do 10/21km yet. thats gonna be a sport! running marathon then off to vacation.. phew~

mom was a bit regret/curious tht im more exited about egypt than the family brisbane trip in sept.. sorry mom.. my happy pills come in varies.. :D
im really really looking foward for this trip, but dont really wanna show much emotion yet :)

in a happy mood- supposedly uninformative

Rindu..

dear diary,

cant you tell im missing someone? im back in mycity now. after a week of family dose with mum and my sis and friends, i kinda wish the holiday was longer than what i had.

dear diary,

kalau di akhirat nantikan, bila perbuatan kita di re-play mesti ada episode of kehidupan aku yang im not proud of.. malu la jugak..dosa lagi.. mesti nampak mcm aku ni lemah dengan godaan, dan yang paling teruk sekali, betapa tak hebatnya aku sebenarnya.. double malu tu! tapi serious..aku rindu dipeluk erat.

cheers diary.

Karma

I must have live long enough to witness a cycle of karma.
Let me tell you.. it is wonderful.
I was at a childhood friend’s engagement party, .. most of my junior high was there.. and they were surprised to see me, i was really wondering what did they expect me to be? Whats with the suprise?

-I was not the famous girl in the school, and certainly does not belong to the cool group they were in.
-I was not pretty or skinny enough to be in their group picture
-I was not cool enough to be invited to their weekend mall outing
-I sometime avoid answering teachers answer in fear to look like a geek.. believe me. I was.

But today, being myself, im just proud of who i am not to be. To stuck in the glory from the past, mentality of superior by emptiness,... i have rise above.. and those girls questioning me in various method to identify my social status..owh! proving that i have risen above..there are no reason on this earth to be boastful, even if you are the smartest person on earth, or the richest kid in the class, or the most beautiful creature of god’s.
Anyhow....................
Here is the pic of my bestest pals in university times.. we look differently then (i think everyone aged a bit now) merely 4 years upon leaving campus... some married, engaged, or with a steady boyfriend.. its sad to see my girlfriends are moving on, but in the same time glad of the time we had spent... me and mya, and mas use to be the charlie's angels.. i miss those days!

Affixation

Dear diary, sorry to have left you for days, i was actually out of town without my laptop. I was supposed to be diving with my friend, instead... my plans was ruined (again and again) by him. he made a surprise visit to me and kidnapped me back to histown... so for the past 24hours...I was visiting him and spending time with him (my boyfriend)..

I was hoping mom wont let me go so i have a valid reason to not go, but that didn’t happen. I was at his place and sleeping in his room, while he slept on the floor. It was ackward..it was weird.. im very afraid i cant return his kindness... i just realise we are not not those lovers who are eager to meet.. so what does tht makes me?? My expectation perhaps was at different level than what he could understand?
Here are as what i could recall:
- I constantly pull him from left to right side, i only walk with someone on my right side! towards the end, i gave up and let himbe by my left
-His attempt to hold my hand uncomfortably, which lasted for few minutes..i cant even fix it.
-I wished him goodnight and about to give a hug, then i walk away. Then, I realised he wanted to hug me too, but i was few steps away and its weird for me to run back to him for it.

He will NEVER betray me to another girl, he will NEVER break up with me. And thats what hurts me the most. Such a sweet guy i wont dare to fathom of breaking his heart. Although i did mouth it without a voice coming out.. i was just fantasizing breaking up with him even when he was right there beside me!! I dreaded the time that tease me by moving slowly. I cant wait to go home! My fear of no one else that might love me sticks us.. i felt so choked!! Affixiated.. And theres nothing i can do about it. And now im back at my home, typing this as i wonder.. why do i let this happen.. omg, what was i thinking! don’t wanna betray god and find myself waking up in hell.

anyways, i hope i can go to Israel..too many Islamic history otherwise will be left unseen.. it aint gonna be easy to get the visa, but i hope i’ll make it thru,, *hug to myself*.

mental note

Dear diary,
too much to update i should do in phases..

- I got a new haircut today.. it was well 2 hours spent coz i like the outcome.. i can now pull down my hair and slipped it behind my ear during jogging, i bet i'll look sexier!! and sumone was guessing my age thinking im like 23?..... :0

-its 3rd june, my tenant havent paid his rent.. hmm... i shud drop him another email, coz he is sure not gonna answer his phone!

-I am NOT going to US... coz i can only secure one way ticket, and on waiting list for the return flight.. then it strike my mind its summer now and sure the flights are full etc.... i cant bear doing nothing and waiting for nothing at airport. its complicated, and i have to explain this to HYJ. but again, looks like my travel plans will be deffered to egypt in oct/nov. lovely.

-Last night i was out with Mr K. we talk for hours!! he was the crazy guy who ever did a marriage proposal to me back in 2005.we talk about why we didnt "happen" and lots of other life related stuff, i felt physically comfortable to him, probably coz i know he is no longer into me, well,,,,he have a girlfriend now anyways. we could share personal information and yet be cool about it.. thats rare!
He asked me about my comfort and favourites, like how i like being hugged, and i only hold hands with person on my right side etc.. i cant seem to answer him how did i discover these interest, as i never gave him any chance to understand.

i bet he still didnt get the idea, coz as he drop me at my home doorstep (yes he is a gentlemen) he ask me to give him a goodnight kiss on his cheek, and i just smile.

there's sumone else cheek i'd love to kiss, definately not his tho.. too clean shaved to my liking!

kerja gila

sumthing tells me im about to do kerja gila.
im now checking for dates to fly out to NY, a super ad-hoc plans in 3 weeks time. mom's downstairs fixing breakfast.

i havent told mum yet, but is this kerja gila? she is well aware about the swine flu yada yada yada. aku akan pakai duit simpanan hidup lagi ... and not knowing just yet what to do.
life's a gamble.. haha.

plus my boss have approved my leave 20th june - 5th july,
dont really wanna spent it being at home,, boo. worst case scenario, i could really go to utah grand canyon and check the rocks.

i think aku dah gila.
gila gila gila.